Gaining and Losing what defines you

  Who are you?  

   That was the title of a famous song by The Who.   It was a great  song by the group and was one of their biggest hits ever.  Those 3 words ask a very big question to all of us, but even more so for men.   We are constantly asking this of ourselves in our search for its answer.   It was asked by Solomon 3000 years ago when he ventured out to find meaning "under the sun".   He tried everything.  He tried "madness and folly" which we could equate today as being "drugs and alcohol".  He then tried "pleasures" which we would refer to as "sexual appetite".   He tried "work" and later "wealth" which we do today as well.

   In all this he found it to be meaningless, purposeless and void.

   In our quest for meaning, we often attach ourselves to our titles we obtain.  Titles can come in two types:

  1) Legal

  2) Functional

   Legal titles are simply ones that are given by a governing agency or institution.  For example, when I graduated from Univ of Illinois, I was given the title of "U of I Graduate".   It doesn't say any more about me except that I attained a level of knowledge acceptable to that institution to give me a diploma.  When I got a job at Data General I had a legal title given me as being an "employee" of Data General which just informed the federal government that they were going to get some tax revenue from them in my name.

   Functional titles, on the other hand, go further than a state of being, but say more about what my responsibilities are and what I provide in that role.  For example, at Data General I was given the title of "Design Engineer 1" which showed how I contributed to the designing of their computers.  I work in R&D and not in accounting or marketing.  

   Men are more likely to tell you of their Functional Titles rather than their Legal Titles because they mean more to them.  Ask any man what they do for work and they will tell you WHO they work for and also WHAT they do for them.   Very rarely will a man simply say "I am an employee at XYZ".  We are 'DO-ers' and not just 'BE-ers'.   It's these functional titles that give us purpose and reason for living.  

   As men move through life we gain more and more of these titles.  We may get married and we are then given the legal title of "spouse" and the functional title of "husband".   There may not look like there is much difference between the two titles and some would say we are splitting hairs here, but we are not.   Spouse is a title on the marriage certificate and other legal forms.  Husband implies their role in the relationship.  In a way it also implies their sexual role with their "wife".   

   Later, we may be blessed with children and then we are given the legal title of "father" (it's on the birth certificate).  As the child grows we are given (not by anyone else ... but ourselves) the functional title of "parent" which implies nurturing, training, teaching, caring, disciplining and supplying.   I loved that title more than anything else too.  Even a boss of mine told me the reason why I wasn't getting promoted as fast as others was, in his words, "because you put family first and work second".  While that did upset me some, I wasn't going to change that at all.  I changed bosses instead.

    At around 40 or so the whole process begins to unwind itself and the titles you acquired up to that point begin to be erased.  Things you used to do in those roles/titles you no longer do.  When the children reach adulthood and move out on their own, you lose the functional title of parent but retain the legal title of father.   They may still ask for advice, but not from you as a parent but as another trusted adult.   Eventually this too will ebb away over time as their lives become more busy as is so eloquently described in the song "Cats in the Cradle".  

   Finally you reach the +60 age level and you face the final stage where you are forced either by your own lack of ability or your companies increasing demands to put away your coveted functional work titles you have struggled so many years to obtain.   For me, that title was Principal Engineer.  At Intel, I was given the chance to work towards that title, but I valued my title of husband and parent more and so I never really pursued it.  Having left Intel, I was able to obtain that title at different company and I have had that title for almost 2 years now.   Now I have to consider setting it aside along with my general title of "engineer" and replace it with a NEW title of RETIREE. 

   But retiree is not functional title, but a legal title.  It only means I am allowed to start receiving government support in the form of Social Security and Medicare.  It's not something you DO, but something you ARE.   And what is a retiree?  When I hear the word RETIREE, I think of of this large area in the Arizona dessert where all the old airplanes (military and commercial) are left to rot and decay in the sun because its too expensive to dismantle them for parts or scrap.  They were "retired" to the boneyard.  Instead of contributing to our country I must become a leach on society instead.  

   So, "Who are you?" is the question I am left with.

   Sorry I don't have an answer here as I normally do.   I am still processing this and working through it.  If I have any revelations I will update this article  and let you all know